you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
