I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
