I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
