Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
