my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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