Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
