she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
