I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
