I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
