i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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