So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
