life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
