Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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