I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
