i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
