i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize