True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
