When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
