My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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