Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
