Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
