I think i peed on brittanys purse
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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