wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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