I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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