My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
