Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
