so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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