Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
