Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
