I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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