The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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