the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize