you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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