Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
