low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
