We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
