oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
