I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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