wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
