A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
