I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
