Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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