just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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