The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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