So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
