I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
