2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
