dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
