so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
