I puked a lego.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize