I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
