I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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