i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
