Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
