The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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