u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
