So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
