The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize