we have pet lesbian snakes
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
