The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
