Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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