i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize