it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
