i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
