It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
