"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
